Don’t be a Fence Sitter! Find out your future self!
How to land the Candidate of your dreams!
Could you be a Nasty Neocon? A Nader Raider? Or -- a Flaming Liberal?
10 Steps to being a Sexy, Sexy Swing Voter
(As a service to our readers, The Little Teapot fills the void between The New York Times Poll and Cosmopolitan.)
Circle your answers for each of the questions below.
1. When grocery shopping, I:
a. Buy only organic, non-genetically engineered foods.
b. Carefully read the label’s nutrition information for each product before making a purchase decision.
c. Buy whatever name brand is on sale.
d. Buy whatever the hell I feel like eating.
2. When I see another person fail to pick up after his or her dog’s deposits, I:
a. Always tell them to pick it up, explaining the mess and inconvenience they’re causing everybody else.
b. Usually pick it up and dispose of it myself, making a big show so as to remind the dog owner what the right thing to do is.
c. Look the other way.
d. Let my dog poop there, too.
3. The most politically meaningful movie of the year for me was:
a. Fahrenheit 9/11.
b. The Day After Tomorrow.
c. Shrek 2.
d. The Passion of the Christ. No, strike that, White Chicks.
4. If I caught my child using drugs, I would:
a. Respect his/her privacy. And be very, very tempted to join in before making the correct ethical choice.
b. Explain the effects of drugs, why I hope the choices he/she makes are different from the erroneous choices I made in an earlier era with a completely different context, and trust him/her to do the right thing.
c. Really want to tan the kid within an inch of his life, but since I can’t get away with that in this day and age, ground him/her for the rest of eternity.
d. Check the prescription label for proper dosage.
5. I am hoping for a speedy end to the war in Iraq because:
a. It is an unjust conflict causing unnecessary death and suffering to the people of Iraq.
b. I am worried we’re being distracted from the war on terrorism.
c. I have a son/daughter/husband/wife/brother/sister serving in Iraq.
d. I shorted Brown & Root for the third quarter based on a conversation I overheard on the sixteenth green.
6. When shopping for a car, the most important factor to me is:
a. Finding a hybrid that will take my bike rack.
b. Gas mileage. No, honestly, safety: I don’t actually pay attention to the gas mileage.
c. How much the car payments and insurance will be.
d. What the Governator is driving now he can’t be seen in a Hummer.
7. My favorite news/talk radio program/station is ____, but sometimes I listen to _______ as a guilty pleasure.
a. Pacifica on college radio…the BBC on shortwave.
b. NPR on my car radio…the O’Franken Factor on internet stream.
c. Howard Stern, simulcast on E!…Rush Limbaugh on ClearChannel AM.
d. Rush Limbaugh on Sirius 142…The Charles Osgood Report on my Bose wave radio.
8. To balance work with child care, I:
a. Work from home on a flex-time arrangement with an internet company so I can be fully involved with my child’s upbringing.
b. Carefully researched all the available daycare centers for an ideal learning environment for the precious next generation before selecting one.
c. Juggle the kids between my spouse, my parents, and two different daycare centers so I can work the swing shift.
d. Applied for amnesty under the new guest worker program.
9. The big trial this year, by which our country’s ability to bring justice to wrongdoers or free the innocent is going to be measured, is:
a. The Ken Lay trial.
b. The Abu Graib courts-martial. No, wait, I better say the Sadaam Hussein trial.
c. The Scott Peterson trial.
d. The Kobe Bryant trial.
10. I would describe myself as:
a. A mainstream political moderate and an average middle class American.
b. A mainstream political moderate and an average middle class American.
c. A mainstream political moderate and an average middle class American.
d. A mainstream political moderate and an average middle class American.
There is no points system for scoring, as we are realistic about the average voter’s ability to add columns of numbers. Use the simplified letter-guide below:
If you answered “A” more than any other answer:
You are a Nader Voter! Good luck terraforming Mars!
If you answered “B” more than any other answer:
You probably already know it in your heart of hearts -- you’re going to pull the lever for two men named John! Use your tax refund to buy an upgraded computer and a DSL line to make the political process quicker when you click-to-contribute.
If you answered “C” more than any other answer:
You are a Swing Voter. You are going to vote based on the impression you get from the last political ad you see on the October 31st Fox Sunday football broadcast. Just be careful not to vote for Pat Buchanan.
If you answered “D” more than any other answer:
You are a Jeb Bush ’08 Voter! Congratulations on how well the status quo is going! (Psst: don’t worry about the election, it’s been taken care of!)
If you cannot figure out which letter you answered more than any other, and/or if you actually circled the answers on your computer screen instead of printing out this quiz first and now can’t tell what you answered because the page has scrolled past the circles:
Congratulations to you as well! You are not registered to vote! No need to worry about anything that’s not your problem.