Thursday, September 30, 2004

How to Pull No Punches, Below the Belt

I'm bemused by the latest lie from the White House: that George Bush is 6' 0", when he's really just shy of 5' 11". I'm sure that consideration went into the elaborate negotiations over minutiae of tonight's debate, like the lectern height.

Being a former State Champion debater myself, I always felt constrained by the rules. Assuming Kerry is willing to go the distance for the American people, here are some suggestions for how he, or the panel, can get in a few good ones.

  • Ask President Bush about the prospect of the government of Vurkmenistan getting nuclear weapons and the relationship of Al-Qaeda to the Vurkmenistani government. Then after he gives a vague general answer, reveal to him there is no country called Vurkmenistan.
  • Tell him, "Your fly is open," and watch him check.
  • Say to him, "Mr. President, a liar says what?" and no matter what he says, "Oh, so that's what a liar says."
  • Ask him to swear on a bible in front of the nation that he's never done cocaine. Offer to do the same.
  • Ask him if he's for or against a Constitutional amendment banning sodomy. Then ask him if he actually knows what sodomy is. Then ask him how he knows.
  • Ask him to quote one full verse from the Bible from memory, with appropriate citation.
  • Ask him who said this: "Do not give a man a fish, but teach him how to fish" - Jesus, Mohammed, or Sadaam Hussein?
  • Run over to the podium like you're going to punch him, watch him flinch, and say "PSYCH!" When he flinches, say "MADE YA FLINCH!"
  • Ask him why, if we don't negotiate with terrorists, we negotiated with Al-Sadr in Fallujah instad of letting the Marines finish the freaking job. Then say, "we didn't %)@(ing negotiate with Charlie."
  • Ask him how he made $10 million on an investment of $105,000 in the Texas Rangers, and how he justified using eminent domain to seize private property to give to the Rangers to build a publically-financed stadium and property that was then handed over to the Rangers.
  • Announce Vanessa Kerry has signed up to fight in Iraq.
  • Ask him to name the order of Presidential succession in its entirety. When he can't do it, ask him if he doesn't even know who's in line to succceed him constitutionally, how he can be trusted to manage the government?
  • When you shake hands after the debate, pull yours back at the last minute and run your hand over your hair.
  • Ask him if he'll ask for Cheney's resignation if it turns out he was responsible for outing Valerie Plame. Ask him how the Department of Justice can be trusted to find terrorists when his own administration can't produce one little old leaker. Ask him when he found out the yelowcake documents from Nigeria were forged and what he's done to fire the people who authenticated them.
  • Use lots of military acronyms, and slip some fake ones in and ask the President to explain them.
  • Don't sigh. Instead, laugh aloud a lot when the President speaks. Except when he tries to make a joke, in which case you should pull your lips back in an exaggerated manner over your teeth and say 'ha ha ha ha ha. ha. ha. ha....ha,' trailing off...
  • Ask him how tall he is. Then get out a measuring tape.
These points can be re-applied in future debates.

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