To: Louise
Subj: Terrorist Eradication
I am disheartened that your most recent comments on the issue of the household flea infestation seem to indicate that you are content with reducing this menace to the health and safety of our household members to that of a “nuisance”. Your recent post-it note seems to indicate that while you’re willing to take over the exterminating duties from me, claiming I have not been effective in ridding the household of fleas, that you yourself would be content if the flea problem were merely reduced.
If we cannot keep Rover safe from fleas, then surely Muffin is next, and then what? Jason and Jennifer would surely be the next victims. You know the prospect of a full flea infestation fills you with terror, and I remind you that I am only doing what you asked me to do in the first place.
From: Louise
To: Harry
Subj: Terror; Health Plan and Deficit Spending
Got your note posted to the bulletin board. I draw your attention to the memo of August 6th which I provided to you, “Fleas Determined to Strike Inside Household”. You dismissed this warning, indicating to me you believed it to be of “historical interest” concerning the flea infestation that happened over at the Hendersons’ house a few years ago. Your attempt to kill the fleas by using a flea bomb in the garage continues to mystify me, since the dog sleeps in the dog house. While we have had the occasional flea combed out of Rover and Muffin inside our house, it’s clear to me that the source of the fleas is on the Hendersons’ dog, Sam.
With respect to more domestic issues, I would like to point out that you have recently run up a credit card debt of more than $4400. Please remember that Jennifer needs to get her allergy shots and Jason will need a new soccer uniform. Charging not just the flea bombs, but your new power boat engine and integrated GPS/fish finder when we can barely make ends meet as it is does not help the family finances any.
From: Harry
To: Louise
Subj: Social Spending and Gay Marriage
Received your memo attached to the underside of the toilet seat. It’s clear you do not understand the relationship between my investment in the needed fishing equipment and the future revenue streams it will bring to this family. Not only will this enable me to bring home trout, which will feed the family, but my having bought the gear from my boss’ cousin’s marine dealership will ensure that I will eventually get the promotion that will bring many more thousands of dollars in annual revenue than I currently make in take home, which will cover our credit card debt entirely.
The real source of the deficit, if I may point out the obvious, is the elaborate “wedding” gift you bought for your cousin Adam and his “partner”, Steve, for their upcoming “wedding”. I thought I made it clear that while you can go to this so-called “wedding”, under no circumstances would I participate in it nor would I allow Jennifer and Jason to be given permanent scars by dragging them along as well. I would, grudgingly, I admit, allow you to spend something on the order of 25% of the amount you actually spent on their soup tureen on a set of towels, as only ¼ of the household will be participating. Since I am the breadwinner and you are currently on household welfare due to the loss of your job at the knitting store, I clearly have a better track record with respect to planning our spending. You did keep the receipt for the soup tureen from Pottery Barn, didn’t you?
From: Louise
To: Harry
Subj: Draft; Alliances with our Friends Against our Enemies
I just read your email. How dare you mention my gay cousin. You are clearly doing this only to distract the household from the real issue at hand, your inability to face reality. Whether or not Adam and Steve ever get married will have no effect on Jennifer and Jason. Are you sure you’re not just upset because Adam didn’t invite us to their cabin up by the lake last summer? In any event, we now own the soup tureen since you clumsily knocked it off the table trying to swat at that flea (which I couldn’t see, by the way).
On a related note, you have been drafted to help the Hendersons give their dog a flea bath tomorrow. When this happened last time, you said you had other priorities and I went instead, but now it’s your turn. As I’m sure you’re aware, if we get together with the Hendersons and the Sanchezes in a neighborhood coalition, we can help prevent any further flea infestations.
From: Harry
To: Louise
Subj: No Child Left Behind
I’m way ahead of you. I’ve volunteered to help the neighbors with the flea bath well before I received your last note on the fridge. I have the experience to take charge of this problem, since I’ve been the one doing the hard work of chasing down the fleas, and I’m the one who knows how to get the neighbors to help. You keep saying you were helping the Nguyens and the LaPierres with their own battles against mange and heartworm before I even met you. We’ve heard over and over how you were viciously clawed and bitten by the Nguyens’ dog, although we know they were only scratches that you made an awful big deal out of. I’m resolute on finishing the job I started, and I’m not going to get permission from the LaPierres or anyone else on the block before I seek out and destroy the fleas where they live.
To change the subject to the real issue at hand, I’m deeply concerned that you have not been filling up the mini-van at the pump each evening after doing the grocery shopping. You understand that with the commute I have, it’s impossible to then take all the kids to school and then pick them up and still make it home unless the tank is fully fueled. In fact, the other day I had to leave little Jimmy Henderson behind after soccer practice because there was no way with the gas left in our tank we could have made it all the way home.
From: Louise
To: Harry
Subj: Gas Prices; Your Energy Plan
The only reason I can’t fill up the tank is because of the price of the High Test fueling you insist on doing. Instead of focusing on the input of the gasoline into the tank, the car would run far more cheaply if we simply drove more efficiently. Low Test gas does not mean we can’t strive for the highest mileage possible. Your driving is the problem.
On an unrelated note, we simply cannot afford the Viagra you keep asking for. The energy deficit you claim to be facing after a long day at work is best made up for by using alternative sources, such as ginseng, or switching your consumption of beverages from Iowa-corn-made alcohol to hydrogen dioxide-based liquids.
From: Harry
To: Louise
Subj: Pharmaceutical Prices
You previously indicated that a purchase of Viagra would be OK with you, but only if it came from a discount Canadian pharmacy. I’m not sure the Canadian version of the product is safe -- you know what happened to Uncle Bob and Aunt Elizabeth. The Costco pharmacy discount card should be good enough to buy this product at a reduced price as soon as it becomes effective in 2006.
From: Louise
To: Harry
Subj: Drilling and the Environment
You claimed the Costco pharmacy discount card was only going to cost $45, but I checked the credit card bill and found out it was actually $85. In any event, I can’t wait two years before you get your prescription filled. I want to be united, not divided.
I continue to feel that the best course of action to solve the energy crisis is for you to give up the idea of working in your shop to “clear your mind” in a relaxing environment. You keep saying that will solve the energy problem, but I suspect this is just an excuse to buy that new drill press your friends down at the hardware store keep saying you need. Don’t you realize that drill will only be a temporary fix for your problem, and that your pals at the hardware store are egging you into buying it to prop up their sagging revenue? Aren’t those the same guys who convinced you to buy the flea bomb?
From: Harry
To: Louise
Subj: Negative Advertising
Boy, you went and did it, didn’t you. You told your girlfriends over martinis at TGIFridays about our “energy problem”. I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear the rumors – facts -- which I got my friends and co-workers to start spreading about you. About how you came back from the Hendersons the other day and immediately started criticizing the way they have raised the dog and claimed the fleas were all their problem from the start and had nothing to do with us, and said that Jimmy was slow. The Hendersons will hate you from now on, and will stay away from the PTA bake sale and raffle you’re sponsoring for Jason’s soccer team.
I’m sure that the reduction of time spent on social activities that will result will allow you to spend more time looking for a new job, so you can start helping this household’s finances again instead of sponging off a hard-working husband.
From: Louise
To: Harry
Subj: Election Fraud
I’m not surprised you took a sudden interest in the PTA bake sale and raffle after you learned that the top prizes were triple-fudge brownies. What I’m dismayed at is the way you blatantly tried to keep the Hendersons and Sanchezes from entering the raffle, claiming that they were no longer eligible to participate in the raffle because they were on a list of parents who had previously failed to contribute to PTA events. I know the Hendersons were once on that list, but they were taken off many years ago.
And with respect to your charge that I have been stuffing the raffle box by paying the neighbors in cookies to buy tickets, nothing could be further from the truth. I trust the Hendersons to buy only one raffle ticket on the honor system. And I didn’t see Jose Henderson anywhere near the raffle box. We both know they would never let their cousin from across the school district border illegally participate in the most important PTA event of our generation.
From: Harry
To: Louise
Subj: Post-Debate Polling
Congratulations on making a big scene in front of the Hendersons over the fleas after they invited us into their living room. You certainly won the argument, but you’ve probably alienated the Hendersons forever. If they stay away from the raffle, you have only yourself to blame.
I have polled Jennifer and Jason, and I have determined that 50% of the household is in favor of my plans on the fleas, the credit card debt reduction plan, Adam and Steve’s wedding, the Viagra, the investment in the new power boat, picking up the kids on-time, and the entire plan for the next four years of household management. Because the real critical issue to the household is the flea threat, I’m counting Muffin and Rover as being with me, since focusing on their safety is what has prevented me from accomplishing the plans above the past four years. Therefore you must accept my mandate and go along willingly.
From: Louise
To: Harry
Subj: Liar and Cheater
You told me the same thing four years ago, after my turn running the household. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact you beat me in paper-scissors-rock by a 5-4 score, or that I even agreed to this method for settling the last tie we had. I still believe you hesitated and peeked at my scissors before showing “rock” on that last round. I wanted to believe you then, but it turned out you just lied about everything to get your power boat. In the interests of domestic tranquility, I let you have your way and hoped for the best. This time I’m not going to accept any arbitrary decision lying down. The future of Jason and Jennifer is at stake.
We both know we cannot afford to end up in divorce court. But it might be better if we simply separate for a while. I suggest you go for a long vacation out in the wilderness someplace with your powerboat and let me try to run things by myself for a while.
From: Harry
To: Louise
Subj: ????
You always think you have to have the last word, but I’ve got a little surprise for you this October. I ain’t telling what
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