The Losing Entry

While I can apparently write like Jeanne Zelasko, I didn't make the cut in the Write like Dick Cheney contest. The contest asked how Cheney would spin the global climatic disaster posited by the movie The Day After Tomorrow. Here's my entry, though:

Thank you all for that "warm" welcome. Well, not so warm anymore, ha ha ha. It's always great to be back in South Carolina, especially at this time of year when the ice is thawing so beautifully. Happy Flag Day, too, everybody.

The President and I want to thank everybody for the genuine Old South mittens we received from the Ladies Auxiliary of your organization. The President wanted me to ask you if you could knit a muffler for Senator Kerry, ha ha ha.

[Audience: laughter.]

These are not times for leaders who shift with the political winds, whether it be the recent F5 the folks up in Davis county experienced or the even stronger hot wind coming from Senator Kerry, ha ha ha. It seems there are some who would blame the misconduct of a few meteorologists on the entire National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration. Senator Kerry has called for an investigation into the alleged failures of intelligence by our magnificent NOAA, this after he voted 39 times to cut out the appropriate for the space-based weather tracking system. I'm happy to report that we have conducted the investigation already, and we've cleared everybody except for a few holdovers from the previous administration. This is about looking forward, not backwards at the advancing ice pack.

I hear an awful lot of nay-saying and attention being paid to those pictures of the St. Louis arch underwater. To those who would focus on the past, I say: where's the attention being paid to all the positive news? Like the followers of Al-Sadr being drowned in Fallujah? Or the incredibly successful irrigation program undertaken by the 1st Armored Division. Iraq, under our reconstruction efforts, is a desert no more. One need only look at Lake Redemption and the new Iraqi Sailing School founded by elements of the 22nd Marine Amphibious Unit.

When I look into the happy faces of those Iraqi children who have never know the freedom of yacht racing under Sadaam jibing into that 70-knot wind, I wonder why Senator Kerry thought to vote against the Weather Enhancement of Terrain act of 2004. Does he hate children? Or does he just hate freedom? Which is it? Or maybe he voted for it, ha ha ha. I leave it to Senator Kerry to explain his inconsistency.

[Boos.]

He is consistent about some things: perhaps Senator Kerry could explain why he voted against the President's Energy plan on 117 different occasions. It seems to me the Artic Wilderness is doing very nicely these days, and we sure could use a lot more of that pleasantly warm fossil fuel down there. If Congress hadn't voted it down, I don't think any of these stories in the news media would get a second glance.

The President and I are grateful for your hospitality here. We look forward to receiving your votes in November, and I'm asking each and every one of you to shovel your way out to get to the polls that day. Can we really trust a Senator from New England in times like these? From a state like Massachussetts well known for its snowfall? Well, it will be a cold day in...you know...

[Applause]

God Bless America.